[CUlater]

In the spirit of Christmas (Nat Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, that is):

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?
Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

[after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the "lighting ceremony" in front of the entire family]
Frances: Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.
Audrey Griswold: He worked really hard Grandma.
Art: So do washing machines. <---my favorite

Cousin Eddie: Merry Christmas! Shitter was full!

Ellen: What are you looking at?
Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
[Eddie, in the driveway, is draining the RV's toilet]
Eddie: Shitter was full!
Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?

Clark Wilhelm Griswold, Jr. (Chevy Chase): Can I refill your eggnog for ya? Get ya something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave ya for dead?
Cousin Eddie: Naw, I'm doing just fine Clark.

Todd: Where do you think your gonna put a tree that big?
Clark W. Griswold: Bend over and I'll show ya.
Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.
Clark W. Griswold: I wasn't talking to you. [looks at Todd's wife, Margo]

Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. He's nervous.
Clark: Nervous or excited?
Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks.
Clark: You shouldn't use that word.
Ruby Sue: [after pause] Sorry. Shittin' rocks

[as an entourage of suits--lead by Clark's boss--passes by single file]
Clark W. Griswold: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

Clark W. Griswold: Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here! We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*%king Kaye! And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!

Aunt Bethany: Is your house on fire, Clark?
Clark W. Griswold: No, Aunt Bethany, those are the Christmas lights.

Clark W. Griswold: Burn some dust here, eat my rubber!
Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think what ya mean is, burn rubber, and eat my dust.
Clark W. Griswold: Whatever Russ, whatever.

Mr. Shirley: [Picks up the phone receiver] Get me somebody. Anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting.

Clark W. Griswold: Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is!

Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?

Cousin Eddie: If that cat had nine lives it sure used 'em all.

Eddie: Every time Catherine would turn on the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.

Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?

Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?
Mary: Well you have your coat on.
Clark: Yes, oh do I? Yeah, it's a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! What am I saying, nipple? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ahhhh..there is a nip in the air though.

Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess.
Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah.
Clark: How'd you get through it?
Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.

Ellen: Clark, I think it'd be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.
Clark: WORSE? How could they get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell!